Isn’t that what’s most important?

FutureMama is a newly expectant mom I’ve been watching on Twitter. ?She also blogs for Conceive Magazine. ?So she and I got into a discussion over how to best keep your options open for birth. ?She’s visited the hospitals and birth center in her area and now that she is pregnant, she’s chosen one. ?Her big fear is that she’s going to have so many preferences for her labor that she sets herself up for failure if she doesn’t achieve them:

I hope if I don’t put that pressure on myself to have a “perfect labor” I’ll just be happy to have my baby in my arms once and for all… Regardless of how it gets its big self out of my womb. Sure, I won’t go in begging for an epidural… (Or maybe I will). Either way, I just need to get from point A to point B. (A being enormously pregnant and B being a mom with a healthy new baby in my arms.)

Isn’t that what’s most important?

To prepare she’s been reading birth stories and watching birth TV. ?That’s when I got involved and explained I didn’t think that these were realistic shows. ?So she’s got a call out for good birth stories to show her the true spirit of labor and she’s also welcoming comments on her blog about her thoughts above. ?(You can read an expanded versions here.)

A few months ago another blogger said that she didn’t care what her birth looked like, that it didn’t matter unless she had a healthy baby. ?She had a rough postpartum but I’m not sure she every really put the two thoughts together, being busy with a newborn will do that to you. ?What struck me was that she was an event planner. ?Her words were something like “The birth doesn’t have to be pretty to be a good parent.”

Well, flip that around. ?If that statement is true, does the wedding have to be pretty to have a good marriage? ?I mean a bit of rain on your wedding day and we don’t feel like you’re doomed.

Don’t you make plans for your wedding? ?Seriously, you buy a dress, you match all the colors, you set out a menu. ?Can’t that be likened to a birth plan?

Well your big day arrives and you roll out of bed having not slept very well, not to mention that your stomach is rumbling from something you ate at the rehearsal dinner. ?Everyone is dragging there feet and running a bit late. ?This is causing you more than a tad bit of anxiety, after all, it’s your wedding day and you want it to be perfect!

At the wedding you realize that they’ve sent the wrong flowers for the pews and that the ushers have no boutonnieres. ?Big breath in, blow it away. You’re in control, it’s okay.

It’s almost show time! ?You go to change when you realize that your wedding dress is not quite right. ?You put it on and it fits perfectly, but it’s not your dress. ?You look great. It’s tailored like it was meant for you, but it’s not your dress. ?But the show must go on!

Down the aisle you go. ?Your music is perfect and you’re starting to relax. ?At the end of the long aisle, you see your man standing there looking handsome. ?You can’t help but smile. ?This is what you’ve been waiting for since the day he proposed. As you reach the final spot, you look up only to find out that your officiant is not the one you’ve been with for years at your place of worship, but some new guy filling in for him because your guy had to go to some other function at the last minute…

The analogies can go on and on. ?The difference is in our society, we’d be much more sympathetic to a bride that didn’t get her wedding plan the way she wanted it to play out than we are of a mother who didn’t get the birth she wanted. ?While no one can plan for labor or birth, you can have preferences. ?Preferences are a great way to be open about what you want with those you expect to participate, like your midwife or doctor, your partner, and those caring for you. It doesn’t mean you get what you want exactly, but it does enable you to work towards that and feel confident in the choices that you do make, even when they weren’t originally your first choice.

So if you wouldn’t tolerate a wedding planner who told you that it was her way or the highway, why would you accept that from anyone involved in your birth?