On this Father’s Day weekend, in addition to all of the celebrating & thanking we’ll do for the fathers in our lives, we also should take a moment to think critically about the power that some fathers exert over the birth of their children. I’m speaking specifically about men who, for whatever reason, don’t believe that the woman they are partnered with is competent to birth her/their child. Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t think there are very many men out there that would flat out say, “Honey, I just don’t believe you are a competent birther.” Clearly, the message is more subtle – things like, “Oh, but the pain – I don’t think you can handle the pain, remember when you stubbed your toe last week?” or “What if something goes wrong?” or “If it were me, I’d get the epidural.” Well, you know what? IT ISN’T YOU. I totally get that most men, just like most women are overwhelmed by the ‘birth is scary and painful and dangerous (and not much else)‘ message our culture rams down our throats. But almost nothing makes me more angry than a woman who has overcome this cultural hurdle, who wants to make a normal birth a reality for her family, only to be pushed back by her unsupportive spouse.
Let me confess: Right this minute I have a friend who was born at home herself, who had always planned to homebirth, who is currently pregnant and will deliver in a hospital because her husband isn’t comfortable with non-medical birth. Thank the Universe he at least consented to having a doula present (truth be told: she asked me to doula & I declined because of this very issue – which probably makes me a bad person). This type of thing, and I’ve heard it more than once, makes me so sad. It makes me mad at him for being so controlling & selfish, and mad at her for not demanding to birth the way she wants, the way she believes is best. IT IS HER BIRTH, for Pete’s sake (p.s. I never use phrases like ‘for Pete’s Sake’ – I’m much more of an explicative using girl, more on this later, I’m sure). What kind of precedent does this set for the parenting dynamic? I have a guess, and it isn’t pretty.
I know I’m not supposed to feel, much less say, these things. I’m supposed to be all, “Whatever works for them!” It’s just that I can’t help but feel that kind of attitude is part of what perpetuates the interventive, medicalized birth model. Call me crazy, but I just don’t think a fearful father should get the power of veto when it comes to birth choices.
Just like you are never, under any circumstances (unless you are a health professional in the employ of the client), allowed to tell a pregnant woman that she looks anything other than perfectly perfect for her gestational stage, a father should support his partner’s choice to birth however she feels is best for her and her baby. Can he voice concern? Absolutely. Can he ask for more information/education. Of course. Should he talk to and get support from other fathers whose partners are making similar choices? By all means. Can he just say no to his partner’s desires for a normal birth? Nope. Not his call.
To all the many fathers who support their partner’s quest for a normal birth: a Big and Happy Father’s Day! To one father in particular, one who looked at his wife minutes after the normal-ish birth of their daughter and said, with eyes completely full of wonder and respect, “The world is a different place now,” and “You are so amazing,” and “I thought she’d be the size of an avacado, but she’s totally the size of a watermelon,” the one who rubbed my legs for hours (and I mean HOURS) without stopping and caught our son in his bare hands, who counts our homebirth at the top of his list of the best things that ever happened to him: You really are the best father on the planet & our family is so lucky to have you.
