In Control

When a pregnant woman shows up for her first prenatal appointment, the doctor presents her with a long list of tests that she will undergo in the coming months.  He might also give her information on what’s okay to do, eat and inhale during pregnancy… and if he doesn’t, she will surely know from the 9 different online pregnancy newsletters she signed up for as soon as she saw the two pink lines.  Everyone knows a pregnant woman shouldn’t drink alcohol or caffeine, shouldn’t smoke, shouldn’t eat sushi.  But she will soon discover that the list is much longer than she had thought: many types of herbal teas, unpasteurized cheeses, meat or eggs that are not thoroughly cooked, deli meat, hot dogs… and let’s not forget, you’re pregnant now, so you better start eating right.  It’s all whole-wheat and rabbit food from now on.

I have often seen this turn into hysteria.  It’s one thing to eat right and avoid foods that may be harmful.  We all should.  It’s another to fly into a panic over the rumor that eggplants can stimulate labor.

And then she goes in for her tests with her heart pounding every time.  She needs to know that everything will be okay with this baby.  She can’t wait to find out the sex so she can start planning the nursery and decide on a name.  Towards the end of her pregnancy her doctor will keep close tabs on the baby’s weight and position to make sure all will be smooth.

Let’s not even talk about what happens during the birth itself.

Control.  It’s all about control.  The modern pregnant woman is infused with this totally disproportionate sense of responsibility.  Because what if something does go wrong?  What if her baby is born with a defect that wasn’t detected by the multitude of ultrasounds and blood tests?  The first thing she does is blame herself.  This is my fault.  It was because I couldn’t resist and ate sushi at that wedding.  I knew I shouldn’t have.  And those old ladies there told me, they wagged their fingers and said it would be my fault and I laughed them off.  I will never forgive myself for this.

And maybe once she works past that totally false guilt, she’ll turn her anger against the ultrasounds that “should have seen this”.  They should have told me.  How dare they not have told me.

You are not in control. And the medical establishment is even less so.

Yes.  It’s important to take the necessary precautions and try to keep yourself and your baby from harm.  But even if you do everything right, eat all the right things, get all the right exercise and make all the right choices–it doesn’t mean that nothing bad is going to happen.  And on the flip side, if you slip up or shrug off “the rules” once or twice, that doesn’t automatically mean that something is going to be wrong with your baby.  And it also doesn’t mean that if something does, it was your fault.

This attitude carries over into childbirth in such a profound way.  How many C-sections have been performed for the sake of control?  “To be on the safe side”?  How many women have chosen induction at their convenience so they could know exactly when the birth would be and plan accordingly?  How many women walk into the hospital announcing that they want an epidural NOW because they are deathly afraid of facing the excruciating pain everyone has told them awaits?

And don’t think that natural birthers or homebirthers escape it.  How many of us have pounded our chests over not getting enough exercise, over giving in to that ice cream craving, over not drinking red raspberry tea in time?  “Now my birth will be ruined.”  No it won’t.  It’s not in your control.  Not everyone who drinks red raspberry has a five-hour labor.  Not everyone who eats ice cream has gestational diabetes.  Not everyone who misses a yoga practice is going to demand an epidural.

And then these surges of immense power and energy take over your body.  Your uterus is doing this all on its own.  You are not in control now.  And the more you step out of the way and let your body do its work, the better it will do.  When I was very young I asked my mother what giving birth was like, and she told me it was kind of like lying on a raft in a very fast river.  “If you can just lie there and let yourself be carried by the flow, you will be fine.  The more you try to fight it and control what is happening, the more everything will spin out of your control.”

If you have spent your entire pregnancy obsessively setting up everything to be perfect, it’s going to be very hard to let go at these moments.

So start letting go a little now.  Breathe.  Smile.  You’re doing great.  Everything is going to be fine, as long as you have faith in yourself to face whatever comes your way.