As I approach the birth of my second baby I am thinking about things that I have done and have decided to do differently this time around because of things I have learned along the way with my first baby.
I have always been a woman that is rooted strongly in the liberal side of the political spectrum. My footing comes from a very liberal women’s college that I attended where I “found myself”. The thing is, if you asked me in the first half of my first pregnancy about “radical” ideas like natural birth, baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, & selective vaccinating to name a few, I was too new to parenting to have formed strong opinion. You just don’t know until you are there. They don’t teach you this stuff in school (or out of school for that matter). No matter who you are there is not a “parenting 101? class that women take, you learn what parenting styles fit you along the way.
My point is that women need to be more trusting of their instincts to learn what is right for them. Parenting is not a “one-size fits all” job, as we all know. What worked for me with my first pregnancy and first baby, I am now adjusting to better fit my current beliefs. I find that sometimes mothers get hung up on “what’s best”. Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
- What brand of ______ is best for the baby?
- What should I and shouldn’t I do during pregnancy?
- What way of birthing is best? (Natural, medicated, C-section)
- What is better, breast milk or bottle?
- What is the best way for my baby to sleep?
- What do I do about vaccines?
We need to be cautious that what we are asking is not “what’s best” for ALL mothers but “what’s best” for you. We practice a lot of unnecessary comparison.
Let me give an example: I am having a baby shower and registering for gifts. Out of curiosity, I choose the registry button that says something like “see what other mothers picks are” and when I do this, I find that what I would like for this baby is vastly different from what the “majority button” thinks that I need for my newborn.
One of my biggest pet peeves is unsolicited parenting advice. You know, you’ve been there. We all try our hardest to do things “right” for our children and then someone comes along and knocks you off your rocker.
What is right for that mother may not be right for you. We make unnecessary comparisons all the time. As women, we are sadly programmed to do this. We compare ourselves to others all the time.
We grow along the way. We find mom friends that we feel comfortable sharing our mothering ideas with (no matter how radical), and then we hit the sweet spot where you get this instinctual feeling that you know something (an idea or a parenting philosophy) is right for you. This comes from trial and tribulation, from being naive, vulnerable, educated, and sometimes radical. It takes effort to change one’s thinking. Because your neighbor, friend, relative, doctor thinks you should do things one-way because it is “right”. Take a step back and ask “right for whom?” The only person that is able to determine who it is right for is you.
Accept education in all forms, just be cautious of getting caught up in ideas that don’t feel “right”. Trust your instincts. Give advice when asked for your OPINION (not know-all), and don’t judge others for choices they make.
Amy
Very well said Amy!!! I completely agree!
A wise friend told me that instead of sharing advice as a “you should” she shares as a “would you like to hear about something that has worked for us?”
Well said! If you don’t mind my asking, what women’s college did you attend? I graduated from Agnes Scott College in GA, and I am so thankful I went to a women’s college!